Neville's Reptilian Romance
by Bowlerhatlove
Summary: The thrilling story of Neville, Hagrid, and the Basilisk as they satisfy their primal desires


Hagrid wobbled from side to side, as the ground span beneath him. _It aint supposed a do tha'. _He thought tipsily. He had drunk himself sick due to the death of Aragog. With him now was Neville, who foolishly attempted to help the drunken half-giant, but instead was now being dragged with him. Hagrid ungraciously burst through the door to the bathroom, still pulling Neville by the robes. Myrtle screamed, but Hagrid plowed on.

"Shut it, ghost! Aren't yer busy sulking aboot bein dead?" and promptly lifted his pink flowered umbrella. This umbrella was unpredictable at best, and when Hagrid was so drunk he could hardly stand, it was best to get out of his way, something Myrtle wasted no time in doing.

"Merlin's Beard! What… what are you doing Hagrid?" stuttered Neville as Hagrid started making weird noises.

"Haven't ya read the first two books? Now let me concentrate, my parseltounge is a wee bit rusty." Sharply the sink receded into the ground, and Hagrid pulled Neville by the collar inside. There was a desperate fall into the dark labyrinths of the pipelines beneath Hogwarts. Finally Hagrid smashed down in the wet slime at the bottom, and Neville, half strangled by his collar, crashed down atop him. "Right! To the chamber! I wants to have a chat with the Basilisk."

"But… but its dead sir!"

"Dead my ass!" Indeed, the Basilisk, seeming to hear, shot down the passageways, one living fluid muscle. It rounded at them, mouth open, and lunged headlong at them. It recoiled sharply as Hagrid's umbrella slashed downward and from its tip sprayed powdered Oxycodone. While the immense snake was still alive, its eyes were still bloody masses. However it still felt it when the powdered substance burst through its system. It recoiled but the powdered barrage continued, and it collapsed. Finally the powder stopped shooting from the umbrella. When the serpent righted itself, it was swaying oddly and seemed to have lost all violent inclinations.

"Come on boy." Hagrid threw his leg over the shifting column of scales, than slid down a ways. He tapped a part of the scales which tensed, then slid open, revealing a deep hole. Hagrid wasted no time in removing his pants and sticking his gargantuan genitals deep inside. Neville hesitated, but Hagrid tersely grabbed him and ripped his pants off, then pulled Neville into him. Neville resisted at first, however soon he began to pulse and sway with the rhythm. The Basilisk emitted a long, desperate noise in pain and ecstasy as they worked.

"Wow. Wow. WOW!"

"Nah, you're doin' it wrong boy!"

"Merlin's choice underwear, what are you-"

"That's it, a little to the left."

"**Hisssssssss. Hisss! Hiss! Hississssssssss…**"

"Oh, that's it big girl."

"Where's the Basilisk's hot dog and hush puppies?"

"Snakes don't got penises and testes, male snakes have hemipenes. Not like this baby'd have hemipenes though."

"You… you mean the Basilisk is a girl?"

"Dude, I've been humping a hole in it for the past twenty minutes. You seriously think this chick has a pecker?"

"Good point but- Wow! Don't do that again!"

"Ah, don't be a wuss. You're just as bad at sex as that Riddle boy. But he might as well be a girl, he kept a diary. What a puss."

Neville, having sex for the first time, was soon exhausted, his heaving slowed, and he started panting. Just then, from the roof came Norbert to stimulate them back to sex. With little bursts of flame here and there, causing a little bit of pain, the sex was soon heaving like never before, and Norbert curled up on the Basilisk who was still far too high to care.

"I-is this legal professor?" stuttered Neville.

"The interbreeding of magical creatures aint legal, but that never stopped me!" Hagrid thundered in return.

Minutes passed, and slowly Hagrid's eyes became unclouded, and he blinked many times.

"What the… my god! What're ye doin' boy! Merlin's pants, what am _I_ doing! Look here boy, that's just sick. Stop rapein' me and let me get back to work!" and stomped off. The Basilisk and Neville just stared at each other for a time, because it was obvious that they needed someone between them for this to work. The Basilisk had recovered from being high, but still was eager for more, as was Neville. Suddenly cracks spider webbed across the ceiling, and immense pieces fell out. The huge sleek ship soared in, U.S.S Enterprise proudly inscribed on the helm. There were a series of flashes of light, and Captain Kirk, First Mate Spock, and Private Dylan appeared. Dylan's height had been miscalculated, and he promptly fell to his death, blood spilling over his already red uniform. Surrounding them were little furry bear like things.

"All right! We're here!" Yelled Kirk. "We picked up your distress call!"

"Wha-" murmured Neville in surprise. "We didn't send any-"

"Our sensors picked up imminent biological distress," said Spock in an extremely monotone voice. "We rushed to the rescue. Back in time. Through to another galaxy in another universe. Then back. Then forward somewhat. The probability of it working was less than point zero zero eight, and yet somehow it worked out perfectly as it always does. We brought you the most powerful sex machines in the universe."

"Good job Spock! Energize"

"Not so fast Mr. Kirk." Suddenly Spock's eyebrows grew out, turning thick and dark, while his ear receded. "You're not going anywhere."

"Oh no! Kirk to Chekov, come in! Spock's doing it again! It's his multi-personality disorder!"

"Stay back. I must cut open your skulls and be creepy with your brains. Then magical things will happen, because I AM SYLER! And I'm going to do a convoluted plan, kidnap the cheerleader, then get the ultimate power from the most powerful creature in the universe! MR. MUGGLES! HA HA HA HA HA!" They were both beamed up sharply, and the ship flew away.

Neville stared at the fuzzy miniature bear-like things. The Ewoks stared back. Then they climbed all over both of them, the ultimate humping machines.

"Oh, ewok!"

"HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"

"Oh my god….." Neville pulled out the sword of Gryffindor, and stuck it blade first into the privates of the snake, working it back and forth quickly. The Basilisk swayed unstoppably as it was worked, while the Ewoks humped anything that moved. It was the happiest two hours of their life. The next day, they all died from virulent case of Space Syphilis carried by the Ewoks.


End file.
